Is More Knowledge Better?

This morning, as I sat scrolling through articles to post on Patients Without Borders various Facebook and web pages, I came across this - Test Tube Boys May Inherit Fertility Problems . I often come across such articles. They are factual and filled with important theories and information, but they are also frightening. I found myself torn. Do I share the article with my readers? When a woman is undergoing IVF treatments she, and most likely her partner, are already experiencing all kinds of anxiety. Do they really need one more thing to worry about?
On the other hand, there are people who want to have every possible bit of information, wouldn't they welcome this knowledge?

Thirteen years ago, I found myself in a similar situation. At 27 years old, I was pregnant for the first time. My husband and I were ecstatic. We had been trying to get pregnant for a year, and it had seemed as though it would never happen. We did all the things that couples who find that they are newly pregnant do; start thinking about names, how to decorate the babies room, how to tell everyone the news.

Everything seemed fine. I found I was uncomfortable a lot, and I seemed to be gaining a lot of weight, but we assumed that was just par for the course. All of my tests were coming back fine, the baby was obviously growing - we were more and more excited every day.

Then one day, halfway through the pregnancy we went for a routine ultrasound. I remember it was dark and pouring rain. My husband came and got me at home and we drove in together. We wanted to ask them to look again and see if they could see the sex of the baby.

After a short wait we were ushered into the exam room and heaved my bulk,onto the table. The technician squirted warm gel onto my exposed belly and shut off the lights. We chatted a little bit about being pregnant and about the various indignities that go along with it. She showed us the screen and pointed out the heads.

Yes, I said heads. Here we were, well into the pregnancy and nobody had noticed I was having twins. My husband and I were stunned. The technician was able to see I was carrying girls. Identical twin girls.

I knew next to nothing about twins, or twin pregnancies - so the first thing I did was head to Barnes and Noble to stock up on baby books. Of course I already had the standard, What to Expect When You're Expecting, but having twins put a whole new twist on my reading material. I bought When You're Expecting Twins, Triplets and Quads : Proven Guidelines for a Healthy Multiple Pregnancy and Everything You Need to Know to Have a Healthy Twin Pregnancy. My mom and I shared all the books we could find on the subject of twins and it wasn't too long before we noticed something. Much of what was written in these books was of a precautionary nature. There was chapter after chapter of warnings about what could go wrong in a twin pregnancy.

At first I ignored these articles secure in the knowledge that mine was the perfect pregnancy. But it didn't take long for me to check out those pages and read about all of the things that might happen to me and my babies. As it turned out, my mother did the same thing, and after a few days we talked about the articles and information. She was worried the babies would come early as so many multiples do. I was just generally worried.

Now that I found out I had twins, I was scheduled for additional ultrasounds. Off my husband and I went again very excited and prepared to ask for extra pictures of the girls. We already had names picked out, Livia and Paloma.

We went into the room as usual and talked with our technician, but very quickly, we realized something was wrong. She had stopped talking and was running the wand over and around my belly with a concerned look on her face. We tried to keep up the conversation sure that if we kept things normal, everything would be fine. She didn't say much, just sent us into the waiting room and said that she wanted to have a doctor take a look. We waited. About 15 long minutes later the doctor came in and asked me to undress. Once again we went through the procedure, but this time in a silent room , my husband and I very frightened, knowing something was wrong.

I was sent immediately to Massachusetts General Hospital in Boston where my daughters were diagnosed with Twin to Twin Transfusion Syndrome. I will not go into all that happened from that point on. Shortly after the diagnoses they were stillborn. It was without a doubt the most painful experience I have ever had and one that I will always carry with me. I think about my little girls all of the time and wonder what they would be doing if they were with me today. The nurses stamped their tiny hands and feet with ink and gave me the piece of paper. I held them, all wrapped up in their pink hospital blankets. I went home and never took off my hospital bracelet - not until it fell off months later. It was the only thing I had left to show they were ever here.

It might seem that this had nothing to do with how my blog began. How does an article about boys conceived through IVF have anything to do with my losing twins? In the months and years that followed, through 5 more pregnancies, my mother and I would often talk about how much knowledge is too much. Did reading articles in those books help me in any way when my daughters were diagnosed? Did worrying about every possibility that something might go wrong do me any favors? No. To my mother and me some knowledge was just not worth knowing. I opted not to have my babies tested in the womb for Downs Syndrome or other genetic anomalies. I knew too many people who had had to live with false positives. I don't want to know every single thing that my children might possibly face, and if I were to get pregnant now, at 41, I would not read all of those articles about the risks I would be taking in getting pregnant after 40.

So, for each person, there is a different answer. Some people are going to always want to know everything they can about a situation, the good and the bad. Others, like myself, will choose to filter out some things. What's ultimately important is doing what is right for you, no matter what sort of thing you are doing. Trust yourself. Go into every situation with your head held up and your eyes wide open, but if you find you need to cover your eyes once in awhile - know that that is o.k. too.

If you or anyone you know has been affected by Twin to Twin Transfusion, there is a great website that offers some support, Just click here. In addition, I am always willing to talk with people about my own experience.